Writing has not come easy as of late. I am sure it has something to do with trying to process everything that is happening with out focusing too much on what will be and enjoying what is. However, I find myself drawn to counting down the days left, as if some unspeakable act is going to happen, like I am going to be led to the gallows. (ok so maybe thats a bit dramatic, but its a good visual right?)
So its a constant struggle when something new is approaching. For months time has flown by, and now its seems to be inching on bringing me closer and closer to that plane that will carry me off into the wild blue yonder. (again dramatic, but what can I say I like flare)
I came across something tonight that seems a tad bit fitting, and I would like to share it with you. It is from “Deep Is the Hunger” by Howard Thurman. It is broken into three sections and after each section I will add my little thoughts before moving on.
“I Need Thy Sense of Time
Always I have an underlying anxiety about things.
Sometimes I am in a hurry to achieve my ends
and am completely without patience. It is hard for me to realize
That some growth is slow,
That all processes are not swift. I cannot always discriminate
Between what takes time to develop and what can be rushed,
Because my sense of time is dulled.
I measure things in terms of happenings.
O to understand the meaning of perspective
That I may do all things with a profound sense of leisure – of time.”
Right now is that in-between time, where there really is no sense of time. To think back on all that I have experienced in Cambodia seems like a life-times worth of experience. yet it feels like just yesterday I was stepping off the plane. Somethings have gone by in a blink and others have been painfully slow, but if there is one thing I have learned is that time is to be respected.
It should be respected and not taken for granted. It should be cherish and taken in. When we think of leisure we may often conjure the notion of laziness or unproductiveness, but there can be leisure without these things. This comes from being aware of what is around us, not living for the weekend or a particular point in time but by taking things as they come. If there is one thing I hope to hold on to as I travel back to the states, it is the Cambodian sense of leisure, of a life lived not measured on terms of happenings, but on the perspective that is gained from simply living life, and loving others.
“I Need Thy Sense of Order
The confusion of the details of living
Is sometimes overwhelming. The little things
Keep getting in my way providing ready-made
Excuses for failure to do and be
What I know I ought to do and be.
Much time is spent on things that are not very important
While significant things are put into an insignificant place
In my scheme of order. I must unscramble my affairs
So that life will become order. O God, I need they sense of order.”
Its not just a sense of time that pray I can take with me but it is also this sense of order, its the life that I have made that does its best to dispense with the little things to make room for the big ones. Its the life that dreams big and then works to make those dreams a reality. Its the dreams like building Homes for Hope that I pray I can hold on to. No priorities will have to be inserted, I know this, and I’m ok with that, so long as opening the door to them doesn’t let in all the little things that I have done so well to steer clear of. My life here is pretty drama free, and I like it like that. Too many people live for it, they need conflict and confrontation to survive, I need simple. I need a sense of simple order.
“I Need They Sense of the Future
Teacher me to know that life is ever
On the side of the future.
Keep alive in me that forward look, the high hope,
The onward surge. Let me not be frozen
Either by the past or the present.
Grant me, O patient Father, they sense of the future
Without which all life would be sicken and dies.”
All of these things I cling to, the one thing that I don’t cling to is the person that I have become. Apart of me wishes that things could stay the same, that I could stay the same but thats not what we are called to do, that isn’t living life. We have to be open to change and embrace it, so long as it is for the better. Seeing as how I am not a perfect person, and pretty far from it, I need this sense of future, that beckons me to be a better person, to be more like Christ in my ways. The last thing I want to do is be stuck, mired in the thoughts of the past and what was. We surge forward not frozen in time, not static as if nothing could be better. If we aren’t moving forward then we aren’t living the life we were called to live. If we aren’t growing then what is the point of spirituality or religion. What is the Gospel if we are unchanged by its words and its lessons.
May we continually seek to find a divine sense of time, order and future. May we forget trying to control time and learn to respect it, to take it for what it is. May we order our lives in a way that keeps the little things from taking us away from the more important, kingdom building things. May we always have a sense of thy future, one that has us working every day to be better people, to live life and love others, the way we were meant to. All Thanks be to God!
Posted on February 28, 2011
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