It’s weird, coming back to the US I knew that there was going to be some readjusting time, but I had no idea what that would be like or how it would manifest itself. As time goes by it is becoming increasingly clearer.
At first I thought I was doing so well. I was hanging out with my family and catching up and everything seemed to be fine. I found myself asking, ” where is this culture shock that everyone talks about “. But I started noticing the other day that when ever people would ask me about Cambodia, my heart would sink just a little bit, they would ask me harmless questions like would you go back and as I was thinking about it I would feel tears welling up as I thought about things.
Here is the culture shock, now that the catching up is over and life settles, I find myself restless. Maybe this is just me, but I am realizing that I have left a life where things fit together and now I am in this middle place where I feel torn.
I am trying my hardest to fit back into life as best I can, but sometimes I feel like I am failing miserably, and it’s those times when i want nothing more than to be back in cambodia, where things were easy and made sense. I know all of this takes time and that it’s not easy. But what really makes it difficult is being in the in-between.
I was talking with my brother yesterday and he was asking me if I was given the chance to go back for another 16 months, would I? I told him that it would be a hard decision, made even harder by the fact that this right here and now isn’t real life. This is the in-between and this is not what it will be like in Michigan. So to be honest, right now is all about surviving the in-between, the restlessness, and feeling out of place, so that I can hopefully make it back to feeling some what normal, what ever that means or feels like.
Lani
March 26, 2011
What a lovely post. And I know what you mean. The in-between has value, but usually that is discovered after the journey to the other side. Peace and rest to you, dear friend. Detroit is waiting for you!